Tears of Solitude

Sometimes I sit at my desk at work and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. My kids could be having sex in the back of the room, and I would just be sitting there. Tears swimming in my eyes as I try to focus but feeling so alone in the midst of plenty of kids. I feel that way a lot. Alone. I think it's what drives me to imagine flying through the air off my balcony or the satisfaction of heading headfirst into the hard, unforgiving stump of a tree. Just the knowledge of having all these racing thoughts finally come to a halt. 


And I wonder how I can feel alone when I am surrounding by such amazing forces at hand. The God I believe in and the family who believes in me. I don't understand why there is such satisfaction in sucking down a Virginia Slim in secret or why tears fly randomly down my face as I'm driving home in silence. 


Today I was speeding down the highway with heavy eyelids, and I saw a puppy limping on the side of the road. I couldn't keep going. I went to pick up the sweet baby with the mangled paw, and I put her in my front seat. I took her to the vet, and as the doctors took her away I burst into tears. 


I don't understand tears of solitude when in actuality one is in good company. Even if that company is a poor, injured puppy.

My Picket Fence is Broken

Preface: This weekend, a family that I became very close with at work came into town. My girlfriend is EXACTLY like me, and her husband is so laid back and just a good guy. Their two kids are adorable. This is what I want, right?


I was walking home from Trader Joe's yesterday, and I was thinking these things through. Being neurotic, of course, I was flying between two mutually exclusive things. The ideal American life of a home, white picket fence, kids, and an adoring husband. 


or


This independence that I had craved for so long and finally achieved. Shopping whenever I wanted, watching TV in bed all day because I could, sleeping in until I felt like getting up. 


Then, I'm in the lobby of my building, waiting for my friend, and a girl (unmarried) who I used to work out with comes in from outside stumbling with a random guy. I know he's random because he's not the guy I saw her making out with at the pool yesterday. She either doesn't notice me, or is too drunk to notice me because I am clearly staring, and her eyes can't focus in one place for more than a minute. She has to watch where she's going and push her tilted leprechaun hat upright before it falls and she looks even sloppier. In her high heels, she looks a bit like a drunk clydesdale stomping around to find her footing. 


I wonder why I even question the life I want when I see people like that. I don't want to be alone when I'm 30. The dating world is vicious, and I don't want to be a drunk clydesdale. I want to be held in the arms of the one who loves me surrounded by my family.


Somebody better damn sure fix that picket fence.