Sometimes I sit at my desk at work and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. My kids could be having sex in the back of the room, and I would just be sitting there. Tears swimming in my eyes as I try to focus but feeling so alone in the midst of plenty of kids. I feel that way a lot. Alone. I think it's what drives me to imagine flying through the air off my balcony or the satisfaction of heading headfirst into the hard, unforgiving stump of a tree. Just the knowledge of having all these racing thoughts finally come to a halt.
And I wonder how I can feel alone when I am surrounding by such amazing forces at hand. The God I believe in and the family who believes in me. I don't understand why there is such satisfaction in sucking down a Virginia Slim in secret or why tears fly randomly down my face as I'm driving home in silence.
Today I was speeding down the highway with heavy eyelids, and I saw a puppy limping on the side of the road. I couldn't keep going. I went to pick up the sweet baby with the mangled paw, and I put her in my front seat. I took her to the vet, and as the doctors took her away I burst into tears.
I don't understand tears of solitude when in actuality one is in good company. Even if that company is a poor, injured puppy.
No comments:
Post a Comment